I know this is only my third Creative Writing post, but it's the fourth poem we've written in class. Again, I'm asking for a bit of feedback, just creative criticism. Thanks!
PS, I need to choose between the two words with the slash in between them in the last line. Any suggestions?
Black oars dip their heads
slowly into the frigid water,
pulling backward through the thin layer of ice
and rise up again, the sweat of their efforts
mixed in with muddy lakewater.
A ghostly boat glides majestically through the water
riding on the synthetic current.
It was adorned with the American flag,
but the water has washed it away, washed it away
so that now it gleams a blinding white.
This polished pearl floats serenely to the middle of the lake
and then, with a wooden sigh,
the oars let themselves fall
fall
fall
sinking down into the murk,
peacefully dying among the salty weeds and bottomfeeders.
A bubble floats up to the surface,
where the boat is drifting aimlessly,
too proud to ask the wind/fish for help.
slowly into the frigid water,
pulling backward through the thin layer of ice
and rise up again, the sweat of their efforts
mixed in with muddy lakewater.
A ghostly boat glides majestically through the water
riding on the synthetic current.
It was adorned with the American flag,
but the water has washed it away, washed it away
so that now it gleams a blinding white.
This polished pearl floats serenely to the middle of the lake
and then, with a wooden sigh,
the oars let themselves fall
fall
fall
sinking down into the murk,
peacefully dying among the salty weeds and bottomfeeders.
A bubble floats up to the surface,
where the boat is drifting aimlessly,
too proud to ask the wind/fish for help.
5 comments:
I think wind is better. Really good poem, better than the stuff we read in class, I bow down to your awesomeness! woo!
I agree with Imogen, "wind" I like. Maybe because I already associated the fish with the "bottomfeeders" - even if that's not what you meant.
"riding on the synthetic current" - I never thought of that before.
I love, love, LOVE the whole:
"with a wooden sigh,
the oars let themselves fall
fall
fall"
Actually... I love it all XD Made me think of some PotC imagery or other <_<
I vote for wind but I am not an English native speaker so I don't know. Hungary has quite a lot rivers compared to its area and I can't really make connection between a fish and help.
Thanks! I had various responses from my creative writing peers in class, but this sort of clears it up for me.
Hi,
thank you for the lovely
poem. It expressed verbally
the feeling behind the
genious of your creation.
I have a friendship award
for you ... :)
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