It was your eyes, wasn't it?
It was your coal-black Chinese eyes,
polished as glass.
The way he looks at those eyes,
you'd think they were
diamonds
kept out of reach.
But I know better.
It was your hair, wasn't it?
It was your sleek Chinese hair,
soft as silk.
The way he strokes that hair,
you'd think it was
a velvet curtain.
But I know better.
It was your voice, wasn't it?
It was your smooth, tranquil, Chinese voice,
sweet as a violin.
The way he listens to that voice,
you'd think it was
a chorus of silver bells
on Christmas Day.
But I know better.
It was your hands, wasn't it?
It was your long, slender, Chinese hands,
gentle as feathers.
The way he holds those hands,
you'd think they were
baby starlets
(new life about to unfold iridescent wings).
But I know better.
Snake, I know your slither
and how those Chinese eyes glitter
but the Oriental sway
can only last so long
And when you, my Chinese goddess,
are gone,
I will take all that you have
and all that you are.
5 comments:
Any help you could give would be great... :)
I'm not sure about the last verse. Is it redundant?
And the baby starlet thing... well, I was trying to think of something and that's what came to mind. Other suggestions?
And I'm def not sure about "oriental sway"
Wow o_O That was good!
I don't think the redundancy of certain phrases gets in the way at all. In fact, it very much emphasizes the idea throughout the piece.
If you don't want to use "baby starlet", you could use the stuff in the parentheses like:
"new life
about to unfold iridescent wings"
I rather like the whole "Oriental sway" part. "Oriental" isn't a term you hear just any old day, but it most certainly speaks of the ancient grandeur of the past.
There really isn't much to be said... it's great! Although kind of interesting (the Japanese exchange students were romping around the school today, so I kept thinking of them when you described that person...). =]
LOVE THE POEM!
I also like the redundancy, it is a good parallelism technique.
Ropi: If you happen to read this... Woah!! You removed your blog??? What happened?
it sounds like the lyrics to a song. it is awesome.
i don't think it i could say it is redundant, but the parallelism is very pronounced.
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