
Please offer any suggestions to make this incredibly stupid poem better.
The silver summer moon
casting sparkles in the night
shining on a lilac bush
and two lovers out of sight.
He whispers in her ear
softly sighing words of care.
He reaches up and gently
puts a lilac in her hair.
Then the boy says, "See the dawn.
Please forgive these words of sorrow,
but now I must leave you
I'll meet you here tomorrow."
The girl sleeps through the day
warmed by summer's beams
and resting in the lilac bush,
the boy is in her dreams.
The moon is gone and comes again.
Its cycle is complete.
Two lovers talk the night away,
lilacs at their feet.
The girl cries in the morn,
"Curse you wretched day!
Each hour I do not see my love,
I will waste away!"
Each day she grows paler.
A smile becomes rare.
But in her lover's arms she thrives;
Her face is more than fair.
One day the boy is walking
and he spies another maid
with a voice as sweet as honey
and her hair a smooth cascade.
The golden summer sun,
Throwing rainbows on her face...
Soon she wears a diamond ring.
They leave without a trace.
The girl weeps in the lilacs.
Hot tears stain her cheek.
But though they burn her skin,
they leave an icy streak.
A day goes by,
then, slowly, a week.
But the boy does not return.
The girl's tears are a creek.
One night the wind screeches.
The moon is white and pale.
Her body cracked and thin,
the girls seems old and frail.
She goes into the town,
quickly steals a knife...
After all, who cares about "legal"
when you're going to end your life?
With a single shaking hand
as the howling wind grows dim,
she ends it with a thrust.
Her dying words: "Because of him."
The bitter scent of Lilacs
dying softly in the heat
the girl is just as cold
as the petals at her feet.
Again, any suggestions would be helpful.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
In Desperate Need of Editing
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5 comments:
This poem needs a lot of work. I can't believe I actually posted it. Bleah.
Well, I am rather the magician of numbers and history facts so I wouldn't tamper it and I think it is good as it is.
i do usually have something to say about everything, but i really didn't find anything that needed fixing... i thought it was really good.
I guess I'll italicize what I think might fit instead? It is your poem after all... and a beautifully written one as well, might I add. =] So feel free to ignore my comments.
"A day goes by,
then, slowly, a week.
But the boy does not return."
The girl grows ever weak
"One night the wind screeches.
The moon is white and pale.
Her body cracked and thin,
the girl seems old and frail."
"She goes into the town,
and quickly steals a knife...
After all, who cares about "legal"
when one will end their life?"
"With a single shaking hand,
while the howling wind grows dim,
she ends it with a thrust" -
All "Because of him."
"The bitter scent of Lilacs
dies softly in the heat
the girl lies ever cold
like the petals at her feet."
Other than that, the rhythm flows in a lovely manner, the message/story is well described and laid out for the audience, your words hit the spot, and... it's pretty awesome ^-^
Good job!
And I hope this lengthy comment helped some... or made for some interesting reading XD
Thanks, those are really good suggestions! I'm not going to change the copy on my blog yet. I' hoping I can post it again with refinements in a couple months or so...
I really like the line "the girl grows ever weak." It fits so much better!
Thanks again!
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